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CLAIM:
I value marriage and the happiness it brings. That being said, I wish the church spoke more positively about choosing not to have children, especially given today’s uncertainties and the harm caused when unwanted children face neglect or resentment.

REBUTTAL:
I want to address three points this claim raises:

1. Valuing marriage for happiness.
2. The plight of harmed children.
3. The message from the Church about marriage.

Valuing Marriage for Happiness
Marriage originated as God’s idea (Genesis 2:18-24; Matthew 19:3-6), and that idea of marriage looks quite different from the way it is viewed by many today. To illustrate, consider the prelude to God’s institution of marriage: God’s creation of all things:

Now the LORD God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed. The LORD God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground—trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil…And the LORD God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.” (Genesis 2:8–9;16-17)

Creation is centered on human life. The trees were not only attractive but also beneficial to human life. Humans could eat from any tree, except for one, which would be a deadly mistake. It is important to remember that God issued that clear warning.

Once the first five days of creation were complete, God proceeded to create human life on the sixth day.

Why?

If we understand that all creation was for the benefit, pleasure, and care of human life, then we must ask, why was human life created?

When God created the first man (Genesis 2:7), that man (Adam) was immediately assigned responsibilities by God. God placed Adam in the garden (Genesis 2:8), and he instructed Adam “to work it and take care of it” (Genesis 2:15).

Creation was there to meet the physical needs of human life. Human life, however, was created to serve at God’s direction. Creation may have been centered on mankind, but mankind was created to do God’s bidding. That truth becomes more evident in forthcoming books of the Bible (Isaiah 43:7; 1 Corinthians 10:31). It should be noted, however, that with a bit of thought, it was already clear in Genesis. Our childlike imaginations of Eden portray it as a manicured garden for humans to admire and enjoy. You would have thought it would come with a lounge chair, a shade umbrella, and a gentle breeze for the man to savor and enjoy. But man was created to glorify God. He had things to do.

God places man in the garden with the instruction to “work and take care of it.” The Hebrew word for “work” is commonly used to describe work done for the benefit of someone else (Exodus 5:18) and is the root word commonly used to describe a servant or the work of a servant (Genesis 29:15; Job 36:11).

The work to be done in the garden in service to God is to “take care of it,” which literally means “watch over,” “guard,” and “protect” (Genesis 3:24; Proverbs 13:3; Psalm 127:1). The role of man in the Garden of Eden was to be God’s servant and caretaker of the Garden.

So, how are we to understand the creation of woman?

When we are first told of God creating human life, they are called “male and female” (Genesis 1:27). The Hebrew words were distinctively sexual. The word translated as “male” was used to describe the only human beings with the anatomy to be circumcised (Genesis 17:10) and is also used to describe the anatomically correct idol created for sinful sexual activity (Ezekiel 16:17).

The word translated as “female” not only refers to the human being who carries a pregnancy and has a menstrual cycle (Leviticus 12:5; Leviticus 15:33), but also to the opposite design of the male sexual idol (Deuteronomy 4:16).

The sexual difference between a man and a woman comes into play when Adam is naming the animals and God observes “no suitable helper was found” (Genesis 2:19-20). The animals were already instructed to multiply (Genesis 1:20-25) according to their kind. As the animals consisted of sexually complementary partners to multiply, nothing would be a match for the man. For man, the woman was a partner specifically designed, like the animals, to be the complementary sexual person through whom human beings could carry out God’s will to populate and subdue the earth.

To summarize, creation was created to provide for humans. Humans were created to glorify God by doing his will (working the garden, populating the earth, overseeing God’s creation, doing God’s will by staying away from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, etc.).

I state all this because this claim begins with the statement “I value marriage and the happiness it brings.” My point is that this is not God’s definition or design of marriage. It is a blessing that God grants to many, if not most, couples in marriage. But, as is often the case, we grasp at the blessings of God and somehow corrupt them into something more than they are. What if disease or disability brings hardship into a marriage? Is it not still a marriage in the eyes of God?

I want every marriage to be blessed with happiness. Most married people I know would describe themselves as “happily married,” but unless we come to grips with the reality that we were created to focus on God, doing His will, with His interests first on our minds, we will have trouble with the blessings of marriage and understanding many of the challenges in life.

We value marriage happiness, but we start with our allegiance to God, and then we see happiness as a bonus, given to some or most, but not to everyone.

The Plight of Harmed Children
Over the years, it seems that stories of neglected and abused children have increased. Some have suggested that the increasing numbers indicate better reporting. Others have argued that it represents a decline in the societal value of human life, particularly the value of children. Regardless of where you stand on that debate, the numbers are significantly alarming and provide valuable insight.

• About 1 in 4 American children today are born to cohabiting parents. The number of cohabiting couples with children under 18 nearly tripled from 1.2 million (1996) to 3.1 million (2014).
• Children of cohabiting parents are three times more likely to experience the breakup of their family during their parents’ twenties than children born to married parents. Nearly half (about 50%) of parents cohabiting at the child’s birth break up within five years, compared to only 20% of married parents.
• Children living with married parents are less likely to be abused/neglected. A CDC study found single-parent children had more than double the risk of being physically abused or neglected.
• Children of single parents are twice as likely to have emotional and behavioral problems (8%) as those from two-parent households (4%).
• Children in divorced homes were twice as likely to be absent from school for 11+ days in a year because of illness or injury, compared to children in two-parent homes (6% vs. 3%).
• In Sweden, children raised by single parents were twice as likely to experience severe psychiatric disorders, suicide attempts, or alcohol addiction.
• Children in married-couple households: 11% poverty rate. Children in cohabiting opposite-sex couple households: 47% poverty rate. Children in single-mother households: 48% poverty rate
• Data from the Fourth National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect indicate that children living with biological cohabiting parents are over four times more likely to be physically, sexually, or emotionally abused than those living with married biological parents.
• Children living with cohabiting biological parents show worse social, psychological, and educational results compared to those with married parents, even after controlling for race, income, and parental education. Outcomes include higher rates of drug use, depression, and school dropout.¹Sources: https://tinyurl.com/yskupu92; https://tinyurl.com/yvxl2qdj

Takeaway: While cohabitation may superficially resemble marriage, it does not provide the same level of safety, stability, or well-being for children as married-parent families. To put it another way, based solely on statistics and the understanding that children are needed to perpetuate the human race, it is in the best interest of children to be born into a traditional two-parent marriage rather than the alternatives.

The Message from the Church about Marriage
The Church is the mouthpiece of God. It does not, or is not supposed to, make up its messages, but rather is to proclaim the truth of God’s word faithfully (Ephesians 4:15; 1 Timothy 3:15). As such, whether it is a popular message or not, the Church has no choice but to proclaim the truth (Acts 4:20).

The Bible teaches what society calls “Traditional Marriage,” between a biological male and a biological female. At times in history, it was a very popular message. At times, like the present, it is met with some hostility. That does not change the truthfulness of it. It is rather a testimony of the changes that occur in society.

God created men and women to glorify Him in all things. One way they do that is by leaving their father and mother and committing to each other as husband and wife (Matthew 19:3-6). Within that relationship, God established a home for children. Children are often referred to as a “blessing” from God. Blessings are given and withheld. That means not everyone is blessed with children. Nevertheless, God’s word calls for human beings to populate the earth and to do so from a married relationship, calling all other forms of sexual activity immoral and soul-endangering (1 Corinthians 6:9-20; Ephesians 5:5; Hebrews 13:4).

Again, maybe not a popular message, but it is the word of God, which is truth.

In love, the church is to proclaim God’s word (Ephesians 4:15).

This is a very imperfect world full of very imperfect people. The church points to the cross of Jesus Christ, where imperfection is resolved by the perfect sacrifice of God’s son. From that message, believers then embrace the Gospel of certain hope through this message of salvation, and they conform their lives to God’s will. For many of us, that means a lot of big changes. Surely, for all of us, it means some changes. But once we grasp the depth of God’s love for us (Ephesians 3:18-19), we can follow his word, bear children, and love them as God has loved us. So far as it depends on us, no child needs ever be neglected or abused.