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CLAIM:
You need to sleep together before you get married to ensure you’re sexually compatible.

REBUTTAL:
The claim raises several questions. Does there need to be sexual compatibility to have a marriage? What happens if age or malady lessens the sexual compatibility of the couple after they are married? What then? Could a newly sexually incompatible man and woman still be married? How does one define sexual compatibility?

The late Roman Catholic Bishop Fulton Sheen (1895-1979) once said:

Sex has become one of the most discussed subjects of modern times. The Victorians pretended it did not exist; the moderns pretend nothing else exists.¹Fulton J. Sheen, as quoted in various sources.

Judging from the movies, television programming, books, the Internet, and the prevalence and legal protection of pornography, it is safe to say we are in the modern times, and there seems to be an obsession with sex and sexual freedom. What the claimant is likely looking for is some justification or permission to be sexually intimate before marriage, so let’s focus on that topic, as there are no biblical guidelines on the obscure notion of “sexual compatibility” as a necessary component of marriage.

The Veneration of Sex
The term “sex drive” is Freudian. It is a translation of the German “Geschlechtstrieb,” first identified in 1894 when Sigmund Freud began using the term “libido” to describe the sexual drive and instinct. “Libido” is a Latin word meaning “longing” or “desire.” Freud effectively attached it to sexual urges, desires, and instinct and brought the subject “out of the closet” and to the forefront of relationships.

This does not mean that before 1894, sexual desires did not exist. The Bible spoke candidly about it. In the Old Testament book, Song of Solomon²This book of the Bible has also been called “Song of Songs,” “Canticles,” and “Canticle of Canticles.” Despite the variety of names, it is all the same book of the Bible, which we will refer to as “Song of Solomon.”, it is described as follows:

I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me. (Song of Solomon 7:10)

In the New Testament, we have this description:

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:3–5)

Sexual desires can exist both within and outside of marriage. Those desires are characterized as a temptation when they occur outside of God’s will. Regarding temptation, James wrote:

When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. (James 1:13–14)

The Bible also talks about the hazards of being tempted by many things other than sexual. We can be tempted to be greedy and develop a love for money (Matthew 26:14-16; 1 Timothy 6:9). We can be tempted to grumble and be idolatrous (1 Corinthians 10:6-13). We can be tempted to pride and envy (Genesis 4:1-6; 2 Chronicles 26:16; Galatians 5:19-21). In our hypersexual culture, however, sexual intimacy is the temptation du jour.

A Different Way to Consider the Matter
As society drifts further from God, it contrives the natural alternative: a focus on self (Philippians 3:18-19; 2 Timothy 3:2-4). As Christians, our focus is always on God (Isaiah 43:7; 1 Corinthians 10:31; Ephesians 5:20; Colossians 3:17; Colossians 3:23-24). Before we ask what we want, or what makes us happy, or what gives us pleasure, we seek to do God’s will (Psalm 40:8; Matthew 6:10; 2 Corinthians 5:9).

Scripture encourages us always to seek the Lord’s will as we make plans and decisions (Proverbs 3:6; Psalm 25:4-5; Colossians 1:9). This also includes preparing for marriage.

For centuries, marriages were often arranged with little input from the couple. Compatibility between the parties in a marriage became popular primarily in the 18th and 19th centuries and continues to be a focus. Considering the span of human existence, marriage compatibility is a relatively recent development³https://owlcation.com/social-sciences/Arranged-Marriages-Past-and-Present (accessed 7-7-25). Even more recent is the matter of sexual compatibility.

Calibrating a Christian’s Perspective on Sex
Often, in discussions like this, we forget who we are. Knowing who you are helps you arrive at conclusions about life that otherwise seem confusing.

We are children of God (John 1:12-13; Romans 8:16-17; 1 John 3:1). We became God’s children when we believed that Jesus died for our sins (Galatians 3:26; 1 John 5:1). It is important to remember that believing in Jesus as our Savior is neither a logical conclusion nor even a choice we would naturally make (John 6:44; 1 Corinthians 2:14). Left to ourselves, our default nature is hatred and rejection of God (Genesis 8:21; Romans 8:7).

This means that something supernatural had to have happened. How else can you believe in a Savior you never met? God, through the Holy Spirit, made you a believer in Jesus as your Savior (Ezekiel 36:26-27; John 3:5-8; Titus 3:5).

Again, think of how incredible that is. God made you believe in a Savior you never met (1 Peter 1:8), who led a perfect life that no one else could do (2 Corinthians 5:21), died on a cross that you did not witness (1 Corinthians 15:3-4), rose from the grave without you having tangible evidence (John 20:29), and has gone to heaven to prepare a place for you (John 14:2-3). It is no wonder that this message (referred to as the “Gospel,” which means “good news”) is considered nonsense by nonbelievers (1 Corinthians 1:18).

But you believe it. You are God’s child. You know what it means to have been lost and now found, dead because of sin, and made alive through Christ to live eternally (Romans 8:10-11; Ephesians 2:1-5). Knowing this changes how you approach life (Romans 12:2; 2 Corinthians 5:17; Ephesians 4:22-24).

While the concern in this context is premarital sex, this truth about Christ and our faith changes how we approach everything. While formerly we might have been inclined to ask, “What do I want?”, “What makes me happy?” and “What gives me an advantage?” We now focus on what honors God, glorifies Him, and pleases Him (Colossians 1:9-10; 1 Thessalonians 4:1).

The Blessing of Sexual Intimacy
God blessed men and women with sexual desires. As with most blessings in life, our sinful nature finds ways to corrupt them. An obvious example is wealth. Wealth is a blessing from God (Proverbs 10:22; 1 Timothy 6:17). Because of our sinful disposition, we easily take the blessing of wealth and mess it up. We begin to put our trust in it (1 Timothy 6:17) rather than in the One who provided the wealth. We even create an affection for money and all the things that it can do to give us selfish pleasure (1 Timothy 6:10; Hebrews 13:5).

In the same way, sex intimacy is to be enjoyed, but in the manner God has established. God established the blessing of sex for the following reasons:

• Mutual Pleasure (Proverbs 5:18-19; Song of Songs 1:1-8:14)
• Procreation (Genesis 1:28; Psalm 127:3)
• Unity and Bonding (Genesis 2:24; 1 Corinthians 6:16)
• Mutual Care, Protection, and Fulfillment (1 Corinthians 7:2-5)
• A Spiritual Picture of Christ’s Devotion to the Church (Ephesians 5:31-32)

Some might argue that these purposes of sexual intimacy could be valid outside of marriage. After all, many committed couples are living together as if they were married without being married. They enjoy the pleasure of intimacy, many have children, and they are faithful to each other, mutually caring for one another. Their relationship could still serve as a model for Christ’s love for the church. What is missing, however, is that understanding God’s design for sexual intimacy is only part of the equation.

Like wealth, which can be used for more than just what God wishes it to be used for (that is how blessings become tools for sinning), so is the case with sexual intimacy. God’s guidelines are rooted in his greater plan to orchestrate things for our good (Jeremiah 29:11; Romans 8:28). His guidelines for sexual intimacy are rooted in his high regard for humanity.

Consider the clarity with which God establishes those guidelines: Women are the delicate and essential vessels through whom all future generations enter the world (Genesis 3:20; 1 Peter 3:7). Because of their unique status, they were especially restricted from premarital sexual activity (Deuteronomy 22:13-21), and that directive was expanded to apply to both men and women (1 Corinthians 7:2; Hebrews 13:4).

Now, before you get lost in horror over the stoning provision in Deuteronomy and the seemingly antiquated notions about “sexual immorality” referenced in the New Testament, remember that we are talking about the clarity with which God is expressing what pleases him regarding sexual intimacy. God is instructing us that we can go so far with sexual intimacy, but not too far, for the sake of our present and future generations.

The Infection of Evolutionary Thinking
Despite every effort in our current culture to reduce human beings to nothing more than another “species” of animal, that is not God’s opinion. God created humanity in His image (Genesis 5:1-2; James 3:9). He provides humans with special attention, blessings, and considerations that He does not extend to animals or plants. Even when similarities exist between humans and animals, humans are given the preeminent position.

• Humans have authority over all things in creation (Genesis 1:26).
• While people will debate whether animals have souls, there is no doubt that humans have souls (Ecclesiastes 12:1-7; Psalm 16:10; Ezekiel 18:4).
• While animals and humans reproduce essentially the same way, consider the special care God demonstrates in the development of human life (Psalm 139:13-16).
• The accountability for sin rests on humans from the moment of conception (Psalm 51:5).
• Jesus came specifically as the sacrifice for the sins of human beings (Isaiah 53:5-6; Matthew 1:21; 1 Peter 2:24).

It is the unique nature of human beings that makes God’s wishes regarding sexual purity of increased significance. Surely, if we were nothing more than a higher species of animal, one could argue for the unbridled sexual lifestyle of animals. But we are not animals.

For Our Good
God’s directives about sexual intimacy were not given as a performance metric to earn heaven. We cannot do that (Isaiah 64:6; Ephesians 2:8-9). Instead, they were given for our good (Deuteronomy 10:12-13; Psalm 119:93).

That doesn’t mean we can always see the good in all His decrees. Sometimes the logic escapes us. At times like that, we must remember that our reasoning is flawed (Proverbs 14:12; Isaiah 55:8-9). Sometimes, the wisdom of God’s word does not become evident for a long time (Philippians 3:15).

Never forget the powerful forces that are at work around you. Tally up how much time you spend studying the word of God. Compare that amount of time with the amount of time you are exposed to the influences of the world around you. You and I are not immune to bad influences (Proverbs 13:20; 1 Corinthians 15:33). Sometimes bad influences come from clearly bad people, and we can see the problems and avoid them. The warning from Scripture is to be aware of the influences from seemingly good and supportive people who have in mind teachings that do not align with God’s will (Matthew 7:15-16; 2 Corinthians 11:13-15; 1 John 4:1).

One Last Thought
I am a child of the sixties. It is often referred to as the era of the sexual revolution and free love. With that background, I approached this topic with a notable bias. I started off trying to find caveats and exceptions that would permit sexual activity outside of the marriage relationship. Not that it is something I want or need, but so many of my friends and family members have lived in such a way. My desire to please others led me to search for such exceptions, but I couldn’t find them. Yes, there are instances in Scripture of extramarital and premarital sex. They are presented in narrative format. That means it happened as a matter of history. Nowhere, however, could I find God’s endorsement of infidelity. And as I progress through the pages of Scripture, God’s will in this matter becomes clearer.

A mantra of the sixties was “If it feels good, do it.” Such notions pander to our sinful natures, which always want to run contrary to God’s will. The desire to “do our own thing” dates back to Adam and Eve (Genesis 3:6-7). It created a cycle of perpetual rebellion that could only be solved by one thing: the sacrifice of God’s Son. God did that for you. Sexual purity is just one way to demonstrate to God and others your most profound appreciation for His sacrificial love.

Sex before marriage certainly sounds reasonable for wanting to ensure sexual compatibility, but don’t be deceived. The notion is an invention of the sinful nature seeking to please the sinful flesh. There is little about sexual purity that will please a culture living for itself. But then you were not created to endure in this culture. Your eternity belongs to God. Let Him see that your heart belongs to Him as well.