CLAIM:
Half of all marriages end in divorce. If marriage worked, that wouldn’t be happening.
REBUTTAL:
Let’s first dispense with the terrible logic of this claim. If we approached everything in life this way, imagine how silly it would be:
- Approximately half of all people change jobs multiple times during their careers. If working worked, no one would ever leave their job.
- Half of all new restaurants eventually close. If restaurants worked, they’d never go out of business.
- Lots of people drop out of college. If education worked, there’d be no dropouts.
- Many friendships end or fade away over time. If friendship worked, no one would ever lose a friend.
The argument that not every marriage is perfect, so we should dispense with marriage, is a logical fallacy and does not hold up in any other consideration.
That being said, it is a tragedy that many marriages end in divorce. That reality, however, is not an indictment of marriage, but rather of the individuals in the marriage.
Divorce Statistics
The most authoritative primary sources—CDC vital statistics, Census Bureau surveys, and peer-reviewed academic research from institutions like the University of Virginia and Bowling Green State University—consistently indicate that approximately 40-43% of current first marriages are projected to end in divorce.
My point in examining the statistics is to demonstrate that, despite the exaggeration about marriage failures, most marriages do not end in divorce. Unfortunately, 40-43% is still 40-43% too high.
The Individuals in Marriage
We are told in Scripture that every marriage involves two deeply flawed people (Genesis 8:21; Romans 8:7). When you give it some thought, it is incredible that any marriage survives. Both parties of the marriage have a persistent internal battle between doing what pleases God and what opposes God (Romans 7:19). Like the Apostle Paul, we have all felt the tension and at times have failed to do the right thing (Romans 3:23).
We bring this sad reality into every relationship. Tension arises between children and their parents (Deuteronomy 21:18-21; Micah 7:6; Colossians 3:20-21), between friends (Proverbs 16:28), between fellow church members (Acts 6:1-7; 1 Corinthians 6:1-8; James 4:1), and between husbands and wives (Malachi 2:13-16; Colossians 3:19). Yet, God’s design for his premier creation (human beings) is that men and women should marry (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5), while also allowing for some who wish to remain single (1 Corinthians 7:8) under the primary directive to glorifying God in all things (Isaiah 43:7; 1 Corinthians 10:31).
Marriage for Life
Marriage was established as a lifelong union (Mark 10:7-9; Romans 7:2; 1 Corinthians 7:39). It was not instituted to be entered and left at will without commitment or responsibility. Regardless of today’s no-fault divorces, which primarily ease problems for the civil realm,1https://www.justia.com/family/divorce/the-divorce-process/no-fault-vs-fault-divorce/ https://attorneyatlawmagazine.com/public-articles/family-law/divorce/the-impact-if-congress-successfully-blocks-no-fault-divorce God’s intent for marriage is that it would last a lifetime.
As we see in all areas of life, the human propensity towards rebellion continually challenges God’s perfect desires. God wants all people to be saved (1 Timothy 2:3-4), yet we know not all people will be saved (Matthew 25:41). God wants the wicked to change their ways and to live (Ezekiel 18:23), yet they often refuse to do so and die (Psalm 145:20). God wanted to rule over his people directly (1 Samuel 8:7), but his people wanted a human king, so God provided that for them (1 Samuel 15:1).
We see this in marriage. God’s will is that marriage lasts a lifetime. The sinfulness of people, however, challenges God’s desire.
The Christian and Divorce
It is not a surprise that the heathen divorce at will. It is troubling, however, when God’s people seem to do that. We need to dig a bit deeper into this matter.
The bona fide marriage separator is death. Scripture is clear that when one party of a marriage has died, the other party may choose to remain single or to marry (Romans 7:2-3; 1 Corinthians 7:39). The logic for this is obvious. Where the two had become one flesh (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5) in marriage, in death, that bond has been broken.
God permitting divorce, much like he permitted Israel to pursue a human king, is God accommodating the harsh reality that he is dealing with sinful people (Matthew 19:8). This accommodation for the sinfulness of His people was not an endorsement of divorce, and certainly not the acceptance of “no fault” divorce. God’s word allows for Christians to divorce for two reasons: Adultery (Matthew 19:8-9) and Abandonment (1 Corinthians 7:15).
Divorce Because of Adultery
It is God’s will for reconciliation. God also recognizes that sin in the world can make it especially difficult in instances of adultery. Adultery is a violation of the “one flesh” nature of marriage. Sexual activity is to occur only within marriage and between the married couple (1 Corinthians 7:2; Hebrews 13:4). When it occurs outside of marriage, it is referred to as “immorality” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-4) and “adultery” (Exodus 20:14; Leviticus 20:10).
We have seen a sinful world find more ways to be increasingly evil. God anticipated that when he indicated that “adultery” is not only physical sexual intimacy, but also imagined intimacy (Matthew 5:28). In today’s world, pornography has been the latest instrument of adultery. Imagined intimacy often has the biblically naïve claiming that it is a victimless vice, but not according to Christ. The lust of the heart is deemed comparable to adultery.
Does this mean that if a spouse catches the partner using porn or gawking at others with sexual thoughts, it is immediate grounds for divorce? No. Remember, it is God’s will for reconciliation. Divorce for reasons of adultery is an accommodation and not a formula for ending a marriage. A couple may find it easier to forgive adultery of the heart than adultery of the flesh. Such a consideration would be pleasing to our God, who wishes reconciliation. But, because of the sinful nature in both parties, it may be just too much to overcome. The relationship forged in the heart may be too fractured to permit reconciliation when the heart has been broken by adultery of thought as well as of the flesh.
Divorce Because of Abandonment
Abandonment is the other cause for divorce that God permits. The challenge we face is defining abandonment. There is the easy case of abandonment, where someone leaves the marriage relationship, rejecting the mutual commitment (Ephesians 5:21) and the responsibilities that come with it. It gets messy when physical or verbal abuse is involved. There are also instances where couples appear to be together, but they are not. They live at the same address, but one or the other person rejects everything else associated with marriage. Another common problem is substance abuse. Some marriages have been destroyed when the husband or wife becomes an abuser of alcohol or drugs, losing the ability to practice mutual submission and commitment to each other. How is a Christian to navigate those circumstances?
When we remember that God’s desire is for reconciliation, the Christian will not be looking to stretch the meaning of abandonment. Instead, the Christian will chart a course to heal what is broken. Physical abandonment leaves no choice in the matter. If a person has left the marriage and not maintained contact, the marriage is as over as if that spouse had died.
When we get into the deeper end of the pool, in dealing with verbal, physical, sexual, and substance abuse, it becomes more difficult. The first logical step is the desire to correct the sinful behavior. Lacking that desire on the part of the offending spouse, it would appear like an abandonment of the marriage commitment.
Typically, or at least initially, an erring spouse will express contrition and vow to be better. Because our primary goal is reconciliation, we take steps to improve the situation. Even that might be a lot to ask when fear has entered the relationship.
Often, as most pastors have experienced, news of a struggling marriage comes to them too late. The abuse has gone on too long, the lapses have been too frequent, and trust is gone. And, in some instances, fear is the new reality.
All these sound like a busted marriage. One spouse, or maybe even both spouses, has abandoned the marriage.
It is important to remember that the provisions for divorce, being adultery or abandonment, both address it from the perspective that there is a single guilty party and the other party is innocent. In instances where both parties of a marriage have gone their own way, there is no provision that I can find in Scripture where God is pleased with the divorce. This is where the world invokes its “no fault” provision, but for the Christian, this would sound like a divorce for “incompatible differences,” which is pleasing to the world’s ears, but not supported in Scripture. Because of sin, every relationship has incompatibility. When our heart is focused foremost on glorifying God in all things, such a couple works together to get back on the track that brought them together in the first place.
Too Late
Adultery and abandonment in a marriage are as close to “death” breaking a marriage as you can get without being dead. A torn heart or a deserted responsibility that is at the core of marriage is living death, and so, because of the sinfulness of God’s people, He permits divorce, but He doesn’t desire it.
A lot of this sounds good in theory, but some who read these words have found that the ship has already sailed. They divorced long ago, and in hindsight, it was not for the bona fide reasons prescribed in Scripture. What then?
In our quest to glorify God in all things, we sort this out by beginning with our relationship with God. We look back with sorrow on our selfishness and the sins that led to the destruction of our marriages through our own wrongdoing, and we bring it to God. We may begin this process by sitting down with the pastor or a faithful fellow believer to confess this sin (James 5:16). Ultimately, this comes before God, who sacrificed his own Son to grant us forgiveness (Psalm 32:5; Romans 5:8).
When Does All This Become Very Wrong?
Sadly, many church members have become too firmly rooted in this world. They have let the world indoctrinate them with its contrary values to the will of God. They seek the gods of the world to permit them to do as they wish. They look for the encouragement of godless friends, and worldly laws to permit them to walk away from marriage without a thought or a care for what God has to say. Be careful, for you would be in dangerous territory.
The most alarming thing church members do in these circumstances is to reject God because His will runs contrary to their will. In other words, they hold a church membership to suggest they are God’s children, but their actions indicate that they want a different god, one of their own imaginations, that will permit them to divorce, marry, and be as promiscuous as they desire. When confronted with the truth of God’s word, they not only reject that counsel, but that God who thereby counsels. They seek other gods (2 Timothy 4:2-3).
When this has occurred, we must ask the painful question: Are they rejecting the truth which they know to be true? If so, when does this become the unforgivable sin (Matthew 12:31-32)? Our faith in God as our Savior is rooted in the Holy Spirit changing our hearts. When we know the church members won’t like our judgment on what they have done, and the pastor won’t approve their choices in life, and ultimately, God won’t like the path they have chosen in these matters, what are they really saying about God, the sacrifice of his Son, and the work of the Holy Spirit?
I mention this as a caution for those who look upon such matters lightly. Think it through. I would also caution churches to tread carefully. All of us, in the immaturity of our faith, presume things about our lives naively and foolishly, which we later better understand (Psalm 25:7; Job 42:3; Philippians 3:15). As we confront fellow members who commit sins naively, be sure to approach them in a manner that builds a bridge so that they might be reconciled not just to each other but also to God.
Closing Thoughts
Over the last few decades, the institution of marriage has faced significant challenges in our society. Christians have not been immune to these challenges. God established marriage for the good of man and woman. The fact that a society denigrates marriage does not invalidate marriage. It is more of a commentary about the character of society.
Christians enter into the institution of marriage with the resolve to glorify God in this relationship. Similarly, when there are bumps in the road in the marriage relationship, the goal remains unchanged: to glorify God. Start there to address the challenges. Because of sin in the world, God has made some accommodations, but the prime directive to glorify Him in all things remains unchanged.
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