CLAIM:
A good marriage should be easy. If I must work so hard to be happy, I’d rather be alone.
REBUTTAL:
This claim is short and to the point. I am going to venture a guess that the problem here is a flawed understanding of happiness and how we achieve it. So, let’s start there.
Let’s Start with Me
Several years ago, the congregation we attended asked if I would serve as its administrative pastor for a short period. I asked my good friend, who has taught workshops on personality types, to do an evening class with the congregation, to help them understand how people like me work, with my strong administrative side and obsessive-compulsive nature.
As he broke down the alphabet soup of personality differences, he stunned me when he said, “I have to work at being friends with Bob.” He and I had been best friends since the first grade. I didn’t realize being my friend was challenging. His point, however, is pertinent for all of us to consider.
Every relationship requires effort. Our relationship with God and with others is described as a “love” relationship, with the Greek word AGAPE being used (Matthew 22:37-39). That word, as opposed to PHILEO or EROS, involves more than affection. It also requires commitment, even when it is difficult to muster the affection. We are called upon to think of others ahead of ourselves (Philippians 2:3-5). We are even to have committed relationships with those deemed as enemies (Matthew 5:39-44).
Why does it require effort? We are told that all people have a dark side that is inclined toward evil (Genesis 8:21; Romans 3:10-12). Someone once said,
Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom, which explains why wisdom takes so long.
It takes a long time to figure ourselves out, and even then, we are blinded by our biases. Our evil inclinations are ever-present (Romans 7:19), making it impossible to have the desired perfect relationship with any other person, because both individuals share the same problem.
Without a doubt, the closer the relationship, the greater the challenges it presents. Marriage certainly presents its own peculiar challenges in having a happy relationship. I suggest that instead of starting by examining the relationship, let’s focus on the one variable we can control in any relationship: ourselves.
Do Not Begin With “My Happiness”
The claimant’s position is quite selfish. His goal in a relationship, especially in marriage, is happiness. Is that a valid goal? Is that the way we want to start a relationship, by first looking at what gives us pleasure, makes us feel fulfilled, and brings us happiness? That thinking might align nicely with a secular view of life, but Christians offer a distinctly different perspective.
There is a Bigger Picture
Our role in any relationship is defined by how we see ourselves. We live in the world, but we do not live like the world or for the world because we see a bigger picture in which life does not end with the grave but with eternal life in heaven (John 6:40; Romans 12:2; 1 John 2:15-17).
Often, we are tempted to live for the world. We sadly swap the promises of God for the allure of immediate gratification. We forget that whenever we anchor our happiness in what the world offers, it will always be disappointing (Matthew 6:19-20; Galatians 6:7-8).
As Christians, we see the bigger picture. We live in this world, but our sights are always set on eternal life in heaven (2 Corinthians 4:18; Colossians 3:1-2). When the Scriptures described the ancient heroes of faith, their walk in life went like this:
All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. (Hebrews 11:13)
The “bigger picture” is eternity.
Eternity is a Long Time
Understanding our lost condition due to sin (Ephesians 2:1-3) and our inability to save ourselves (Matthew 19:25-26; Romans 3:10-12), believers see God as their Savior and Deliverer (2 Samuel 22:2-3; Philippians 3:20). We adore God not only as the Creator of all things (Psalm 95:4-5; Revelation 4:11), but for saving us from the eternal consequences of our sins (1 Corinthians 15:57; 1 Peter 1:3-5).
Eternity is a tricky concept. We might call it incomprehensible due to the finite nature of our lives in this world. Let me try to help:
Imagine a giant mountain, 1,000 miles tall and 1,000 miles wide. Once every 1,000 years, a tiny bird flies to the mountain and gently brushes it with its wing. When the mountain has finally been worn away to nothing by this process, eternity will have only just begun.
When Jesus described the Day of Judgment, he spoke about eternity. He said it plainly:
Then they [those who rejected God and lived in unrepentant sin] will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life. (Matthew 25:46)
Focus, for a moment, on eternal punishment (2 Thessalonians 1:8-9; Revelation 14:11). This should be our punishment. God’s demand is to keep His law perfectly (Matthew 5:48; James 2:10), and none of us has done that (Romans 3:23). Every one of us deserves eternal punishment (Romans 6:23).
God’s Solution
God solved the problem (Ephesians 2:8-9). God sent Jesus to be the sacrifice for our sins (2 Corinthians 5:21). The result is eternal life (John 3:16).
Our Response
At the heart of living in this world is the demonstration of how we feel about eternal deliverance. With our mouths and our lives, we express deep gratitude (Colossians 2:6-7; 1 Peter 1:3-5). God’s people were known by Him from the beginning (Romans 8:29; Ephesians 1:11) and were created for his service (Ephesians 2:10). Because we cannot save ourselves, but God did it for us (Romans 5:6-8; Romans 8:3), is it any wonder that our lives are to be devoted to glorifying God in all things (Isaiah 43:6; 1 Corinthians 10:31)?
Happiness in Relationships
Relationships are a fact of life. You have it with your parents, siblings, neighbors, coworkers, fellow citizens, and even with your enemies. When the Bible discusses happiness in this world, it often proves to be a disappointment (Ecclesiastes 2:1; Proverbs 14:13). There is only one relationship that bears eternal happiness, and that is the relationship between a child of faith and the everlasting Father in heaven (Psalm 16:11; 1 Peter 1:8-9).
It is that God in heaven, who sacrificed his Son to save us from our sins, who calls on us to engage in relationships, not for our benefit, though we do benefit, but for the benefit of others (Romans 12:10; Philippians 2:3-5). Our happiness, therefore, is not rooted in that which gives us physical or worldly pleasure. Instead, considering our eternal salvation, our happiness is rooted in doing the will of Him who gives us our eternity in Christ (Psalm 19:8; Psalm 40:8; John 15:11). It’s called “gratitude.”
Happiness in Marriage
There is to be happiness in marriage, but not in the way the world thinks about it. When we find a spouse that shares our goal of glorifying God in all things, and in thinking of others ahead of ourselves, and in raising children according to God’s will, God wants it to be a happy marriage (Deuteronomy 24:5; Ecclesiastes 9:9; Romans 12:10). Happiness in marriage is rooted in the common faith and allegiance to the God who saved us in Christ (Psalm 128:1-4; 1 Peter 3:7).
Concluding Thoughts
The problem with the claim is not in wanting a happy marriage, but in a faulty notion of what is true happiness. However difficult it may seem in our selfish world, happiness is not about us, but about God. As we glorify him in all that we do, he brings blessings to us. Sometimes those blessings are found in good friends, and sometimes those blessings are found in a spouse. As a team, a husband and wife seek to glorify God and to be a blessing to others. Therein, they will find genuine happiness that sustains them in this life and into eternity.
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